– No. Too low! It’s about 20 meters from the ground here. I’ll just break my backbone and be a plant for the rest of my life! -Although … If I measured the head in the assembly, maybe I will succeed? -Not make sense! It’s too far! -I know! – There are skyscrapers in the town center! Natalia said that there is not a week there, when someone does not jump … -Just if I get in there? There’s a watchman over there and he won’t let me into the building. -I can get Natalia to let me in… – No! I’m not gonna get her into this! She will have remorse for the rest of her life! I can’t hurt her like that! – It has to be when the kids are at school. I don’t want them to know! – Who will pick them up from school? – They will call HIM, if I don’t pick them up. – It will be a long time before he arrives … They will cry … How will the teachers calm them down? – Exactly … What about the kids? How to be like us? Calculated, manipulative, cruel? – No! Fuck! I can’t leave them with him! – If I raise them myself, there is a chance that they will be at least a little better than HIM … – What am I doing? Damn it! What am I doing?! Cry. I don’t remember how long it lasted. I entered the living room. I sat on the leaves and cried. I was alone at home. Luckily. It was quiet and sad. This was where I somehow got into “Wonder woman” mode … I didn’t want to go down, towards self-destruction anymore … just up, towards the sun. I knew it was going to be the hardest fight in my life. Even though I was in a depressed area, my body ached and my Soul was bleeding to let me know I wouldn’t give up! I never gave up … This time I was going to win the life of mine and my kids. I didn’t know how long it would take and what I will still have to go through, but I knew it would be worth it! For the first time I will be trusting the unknown. I didn’t  like surprises…But I didn’t think about fear… I put on my armor. I took my sword and shield. Here I am!

You only see darkness, hopelessness, despair, helplessness. With no exit… You don’t even believe it exists. You want to end this suffering. The emotional and physical pain is so painful that all you dream about is to fall asleep and never wake up. You don’t feel that your existence is important to anyone at all. When you disappear, no one will even notice. You get the impression that time is slower than usual when you are angry. You want it to be night already, and it’s only noon. You feel that you are going crazy in a moment, you don’t know what to do with yourself. You run around the room. This seemingly hopeless state of mind, which seems to lead only to death, paradoxically just saved your life! Yes. The picture of depression that I described above and which I experienced myself saves your life. You will probably ask how is this possible? My answer is that our wonderful organisms are designed to keep us alive as long as possible. Therefore, as a result of long-term mental stress caused by factors such as: breaking personal boundaries, emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulations, blackmail, sexual abuse, isolating from family and friends, addiction to emotions, food, drugs, alcohol etc. Those factors make  the body undergo enormous physiological changes. They lead to the so-called “hormonal stalemate”. It is a state of hormonal balance where “desexuality” occurs on a functional level. In the case of depression, it can be seen in the form of a decrease in libido. Hormonal failure prevents a heart attack. Without him, our body would not be able to endure the conflict on the physical level. In the “desexual” state, we cannot enter the “male” – fight mode, nor the “female” – escape mode. In the case of depression, we also deal with a territorial conflict (breaking personal boundaries). Territorial conflict (breaking boundaries) + Hormonal stalemate = DEPRESSION So you ask how to get out of a stalemate? Set limits … say finally: STOP. Stop the people hurting you. Create yourself an exit situation. Get help. There are always people willing to help. This is the beginning. Then there is a long struggle with yourself. With breaking and changing beliefs that have not served for many years.   Lots of work. However, these two things should start with. Remember that you are not alone. I am here for you.